Holding tight onto a (false) sense of stability

I just started writing out of the blue and apparently this is what's on my mind.

I just love unplanned Sundays. They breathe just so much freedom for me. This morning I ate scones with clotted cream and jam for breakfast, watched some Youtube videos about art, and stayed in my pyjamas until 12 before taking a shower and writing this to you.
Although I have over 60 drafts on all kinds of specific topics, carefully structured with headings, research, and images, I thought to just write today as if it were my personal diary.

If you’ve been walking beside me for longer, you know I’m figuring out how to live my life more aligned with my own needs and wants. If you joined in later, you might have missed that I’ve been a professional creative for over 20 years.
It seemed like the perfect recipe: making things and being creative have been my companions since I was a toddler, and growing up as a people-pleaser, I couldn’t imagine a better career than that of a designer and illustrator. Creating what other people ask of me and getting paid for it—it’s a dream. Until I burned out about three years ago. I saw it coming but pretended it wasn’t happening.
Even though doctors told me it would be best to quit working for at least a few months, I kept working. Yes, I’m stubborn and a freelancer. Quitting meant no income. I naively thought I would be able to manage.

Then, last summer, I had a mental breakdown. You can ignore your body’s signals as much as you want, but it’s going to collapse some day if you wear it out long enough. Whereas there was no therapy available before, I was suddenly put on the fast track and got help after a few months. Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out why I do the things I do, with the help of a therapist.

If I dare to let go and climb through the window, I know it will be worth it. But I’m scared.

Even though my work life isn’t fitting anymore, that doesn’t mean I’m not proud of what I did. I needed to go through it all to develop as a person, both personally and professionally.
When I started making my diary comics in 2012 (which is what most people know me from), I needed perspective on my life. Making those personal doodles helped me get out of the place I was then and put me on the trajectory of becoming an editorial illustrator and comics artist.
Just when I was about to let go of my comics because I’d outgrown them and was ready for something new, I got a great offer to continue making them. Even though I knew the barrel was empty, I did it, and it actually served me: I had a stable income because of it. Somehow I interpreted this as: ‘If I just continue, even though it doesn’t fit me anymore, it will give me stability’. And I crave stability, like a glass of water on a hot day.

I’m in a similar position now. I’ve changed over the last few years, and some things don’t fit anymore. Yet, I’m hanging tight on everything that feels secure.
From experience, I know throwing your life around can pay off. I did it when I was 27, left everything behind, and started over on the other side of the country, all by myself. It was the best thing I ever did, and I can’t remember being scared for even a second¹. Where is that bravery now? Have I lost it?
This time around, I know I can let go, and I wouldn’t risk losing everything. So, what am I so scared of? I need more conversations with my therapist before I understand this.

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Taking a break by myself

For the first time in years, I’m going on a solo trip again. The last time was in 2019, and I was staying in a little converted pig stable, overlooking the edges of the Peak District. I was there for about a month, and I have the best memories of it.

My partner encouraged me to do it again, as it has proven to be incredibly restorative to myself and my needs. He’ll come along with me for a few days, but will go back home so I can stay for a few weeks by myself.
I’m going to North Yorkshire again, for the third time in a row. I know the area pretty well by now; I’ve met one of my dearest friends there, and the landscape is just so calming and breathtaking.

I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to it. I love being by myself because I can wake up when I want to, go to bed when I’m tired, eat when I’m hungry, and do whatever I need in that moment. When I’m with someone, even with my partner, I’m not attuned to my own needs. I disconnect myself and go along with what others need. Another thing I need to work on in therapy :)

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Just some random thoughts on a quiet Sunday.
I hope you didn’t mind the lack of structure, or that it hasn’t come to a satisfying conclusion. That’s just how life is sometimes. I actually enjoyed writing this very much, instead of trying to pressure myself to write an article to that will hopefully be useful. What is ‘useful’ anyway, right? Sometimes it’s nice to just enjoy something, even when it doesn’t serve a purpose.

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1. Sleeping on it and re-reading this a day later, I remember I WAS scared. But I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t take that step, which was: losing myself.