Wow, I really resonate with this! I feel like I am always 'on' around my husband, even though he's the one person I can somewhat unmask around (I am ADHD & autistic). I actually thought the other day 'maybe I need a month alone somewhere...' 😁 being in-tune with him, always anticipating his needs (as well as my own) is far from relaxing a lot of the time.
Hi Marloes, I resonate a lot with this. Not long ago, my partner went away for a week and I felt so alive and so creative. I wrote a lot and the words flowed. And it is because of what you have described -when he is here, I am constantly tuning into his needs. Is he happy? Do I need to remember to do something to make his life easier? He does not expect it but I find it hard to turn off. For example, he'll just make a comment about not having any work shirts and I feel guilt and apologies. "I should have done washing so you had some." He will tell me it's not my fault, he should have realised but that is always my first thought.
I also highly relate to shaping yourself to other people's need and being accommodating to others and not being a bother. I allow anxiety to build rather than asking a simple question because I worry about being a bother. I go along with things or stay up late with friends because I feel I should, even though it is all exhausting.
Thank you for speaking about your experiences and what you do to combat it. I definitely do need time alone and I don't always get it or allow myself it. I will try harder to get it.
For me, it was good to realise that I shouldn't expect of others to understand they're crossing my boundaries: I am te one that needs to communicate about my boundaries. But because I'm so used to accommodating, I sometimes don't even realise I'm moulding myself to others. It's almost like a natural state (unhealthy and damaging nonetheless). It takes a lot of rewiring in the brain to make new path ways.
To be honest: if my partner would not support me on this, we wouldn't be in a relationship any longer. I get mentally AND physically sick if I don't carve out time for myself.
Over the years I've learned that taking care of yourself is your number one priority.
My family is not involved in my decisions in general, so I don't know if they're supportive :) (just to clarify)
The idea of a solo break as you describe it sounds appealing to me. I had two similar experiences in my life - an Interrail trip to Stockholm which I did on my own, and a solo flight to New Zealand (ok, I was joined by my friends shortly after, but it was an amazing feeling to be totally alone "on the other side of the world" for one day). This is already 20 years ago, but I can still recall the unique feeling of freedom and I guess I will never forget it.
I'm so happy you got to experience that! That's exactly what it is-a unique sense of freedom. When I was driving through the hills by myself this weekend, I felt so much gratitude and I felt my confidence growing. There's no feeling like it!
Like many people here (I think), your explanation about conforming and molding yourself to your partner - what you so aptly describe as being a "Barbapapa" - really struck a nerve. Thank you for that. I hope I manage to explain my reluctance to move in together better now! (my significant other does not quite understand.)
Relating to this a lot as well. It's the first time I read somebody expressing this feeling so well. And interesting to link it to not wanting children but it makes complete sense! I never wanted children of my own but I had to learn to become a stepmum to my husband's son and it is not easy. It drains me completely. But in a way it teaches me to look after myself more because if I don't, I die! So necessity makes you find ways to deal with things and listen to yourself in order to survive. I now try and say to myself: "there's a time for being there for others, and there's a time for being there for myself." I feel like that's the way to balance it. When my husband needs me (even if he doesn't ask) I am fully there. But then I make time for myself (not necessarily away) and let him look after me. Still a work in progress but slowly getting there!
I relate to this a lot, I have kids and I have had to be careful not to let my needs become invisible even to myself. My partner has a business trip in June in which I'll have the kids alone for 3 day, so we're planning for me to have time before or after. I can't take a whole month while my kids are little but I hope to get an Airbnb in a quite little town to just be on my own and reconnect with me. Love the journal prompts on asking how you feel and what you need.
My first solo trip and trip outside of the country alone was to London, England. I took 2 planes go get there from Canada alone after not being on a plane in 10 years.
Sadly I got sick which made my trip disappointing but what I loved was the alone time I did have. A few weeks after I went to Montréal alone and had a much better time.
This year I'm wondering if I should go back to England and give it another attempt when I'm not sick. I'd also love to see the countryside as landscapes, nature and scenery is what I appreciate the most.
I sometimes feel I'm the odd one out for preferring being alone and doing things myself but you have shown me that I'm not the only one who feels this way and it's okay.
I think everyone is different (even though we're very much alike too), so we all need different things. But most of all, I think most people don't even tell others what they actually need. Or perform on what they need.
I really resonate with the feeling of safety in acceptance and losing yourself to accommodate others, it's something I'm working on myself and it's reassuring to see someone put words to that feeling. Enjoy your month away!
Thanks for sharing this, Marloes! Learning how to identify, respect and honor our own needs is a skill that takes time and effort - and we will fail many times at it throughout life, at least in my experience! But we can always come back to ourselves, no matter what happens. It's just a matter of discovering what is the best way for us to do that. For me it's taking time to journal or going for a walk outside :)
I'm so happy you and your partner have found this healthy balance - the cars slowly crossing in the narrow street is also a wonderful metaphor for this!
Although I'm one of those people who would love to accompany you in your adventure through what you share online, I'm very glad you're keeping your boundaries and doing what is best for you! Wishing you a wonderful time on your own in that beautiful place <3
Thank you for deciding to share this reflection. I hope that writing it down, and sharing it with your community, and seeing how it resonates is actually helping you to dive deeper. And while we are passing each other slowly, in our own little cars as you put it, I am grateful for your words and the spark I felt reading them. These weeks on the moors, and all other weeks to come, are yours.
The need for spending time alone is so relatable to me. I had a boreout, discovered I'm an introvert and recently also found out I'm gifted and that's the reason of my boreouts and tendency to seek alone time. Everything you write, I can relate to. Looking forward to read more of your work Marloes!
Dear Marloes, I always seem to be able to relate so much to whatever you write. I really like you and I think you're great (I hope that's ok to say - I'm worried it might sound a bit weird!). I hope that your time in Yorkshire is everything you need and want it to be.
Aw that is so kind Natasha! We are quite similar in many ways. Thinking about it, I think we've followed each other online for about 12 years now? Isn't that crazy? :D And you don't sound weird at all: you sound very sweet and your words are very welcome.
Me too! After practically living in one room 24/7 for 15 years with my co-creative spouse, we are now living 300 kilometers apart for 3/4 of the time - and it does wonders for my well-being, my sense of self, my creativity, and also for us as a couple, finding there are still new things to explore together. People should write more about these experiences. So thanks, Marloes!
I resonant so much with not being able to tune fully into myself unless I am alone. I’ve loved solo holidays and when my partner is away and I have the house to myself I feel so relaxed. Thanks for sharing your thought here 😊
Wow, I really resonate with this! I feel like I am always 'on' around my husband, even though he's the one person I can somewhat unmask around (I am ADHD & autistic). I actually thought the other day 'maybe I need a month alone somewhere...' 😁 being in-tune with him, always anticipating his needs (as well as my own) is far from relaxing a lot of the time.
Hi Marloes, I resonate a lot with this. Not long ago, my partner went away for a week and I felt so alive and so creative. I wrote a lot and the words flowed. And it is because of what you have described -when he is here, I am constantly tuning into his needs. Is he happy? Do I need to remember to do something to make his life easier? He does not expect it but I find it hard to turn off. For example, he'll just make a comment about not having any work shirts and I feel guilt and apologies. "I should have done washing so you had some." He will tell me it's not my fault, he should have realised but that is always my first thought.
I also highly relate to shaping yourself to other people's need and being accommodating to others and not being a bother. I allow anxiety to build rather than asking a simple question because I worry about being a bother. I go along with things or stay up late with friends because I feel I should, even though it is all exhausting.
Thank you for speaking about your experiences and what you do to combat it. I definitely do need time alone and I don't always get it or allow myself it. I will try harder to get it.
The washing!! Why is it always the washing?! 🤦🏼♀️ 😅 🧺
For me, it was good to realise that I shouldn't expect of others to understand they're crossing my boundaries: I am te one that needs to communicate about my boundaries. But because I'm so used to accommodating, I sometimes don't even realise I'm moulding myself to others. It's almost like a natural state (unhealthy and damaging nonetheless). It takes a lot of rewiring in the brain to make new path ways.
I resonate with this very much! I’m glad your partner and family is so supportive of you too!
To be honest: if my partner would not support me on this, we wouldn't be in a relationship any longer. I get mentally AND physically sick if I don't carve out time for myself.
Over the years I've learned that taking care of yourself is your number one priority.
My family is not involved in my decisions in general, so I don't know if they're supportive :) (just to clarify)
The idea of a solo break as you describe it sounds appealing to me. I had two similar experiences in my life - an Interrail trip to Stockholm which I did on my own, and a solo flight to New Zealand (ok, I was joined by my friends shortly after, but it was an amazing feeling to be totally alone "on the other side of the world" for one day). This is already 20 years ago, but I can still recall the unique feeling of freedom and I guess I will never forget it.
I'm so happy you got to experience that! That's exactly what it is-a unique sense of freedom. When I was driving through the hills by myself this weekend, I felt so much gratitude and I felt my confidence growing. There's no feeling like it!
Like many people here (I think), your explanation about conforming and molding yourself to your partner - what you so aptly describe as being a "Barbapapa" - really struck a nerve. Thank you for that. I hope I manage to explain my reluctance to move in together better now! (my significant other does not quite understand.)
Relating to this a lot as well. It's the first time I read somebody expressing this feeling so well. And interesting to link it to not wanting children but it makes complete sense! I never wanted children of my own but I had to learn to become a stepmum to my husband's son and it is not easy. It drains me completely. But in a way it teaches me to look after myself more because if I don't, I die! So necessity makes you find ways to deal with things and listen to yourself in order to survive. I now try and say to myself: "there's a time for being there for others, and there's a time for being there for myself." I feel like that's the way to balance it. When my husband needs me (even if he doesn't ask) I am fully there. But then I make time for myself (not necessarily away) and let him look after me. Still a work in progress but slowly getting there!
That sounds like a good and healthy balance, Johanna.
I relate to this a lot, I have kids and I have had to be careful not to let my needs become invisible even to myself. My partner has a business trip in June in which I'll have the kids alone for 3 day, so we're planning for me to have time before or after. I can't take a whole month while my kids are little but I hope to get an Airbnb in a quite little town to just be on my own and reconnect with me. Love the journal prompts on asking how you feel and what you need.
Understanding what you need is such a major head start. Well done <3
My first solo trip and trip outside of the country alone was to London, England. I took 2 planes go get there from Canada alone after not being on a plane in 10 years.
Sadly I got sick which made my trip disappointing but what I loved was the alone time I did have. A few weeks after I went to Montréal alone and had a much better time.
This year I'm wondering if I should go back to England and give it another attempt when I'm not sick. I'd also love to see the countryside as landscapes, nature and scenery is what I appreciate the most.
I sometimes feel I'm the odd one out for preferring being alone and doing things myself but you have shown me that I'm not the only one who feels this way and it's okay.
I think everyone is different (even though we're very much alike too), so we all need different things. But most of all, I think most people don't even tell others what they actually need. Or perform on what they need.
I really resonate with the feeling of safety in acceptance and losing yourself to accommodate others, it's something I'm working on myself and it's reassuring to see someone put words to that feeling. Enjoy your month away!
Thanks for sharing this, Marloes! Learning how to identify, respect and honor our own needs is a skill that takes time and effort - and we will fail many times at it throughout life, at least in my experience! But we can always come back to ourselves, no matter what happens. It's just a matter of discovering what is the best way for us to do that. For me it's taking time to journal or going for a walk outside :)
I'm so happy you and your partner have found this healthy balance - the cars slowly crossing in the narrow street is also a wonderful metaphor for this!
Although I'm one of those people who would love to accompany you in your adventure through what you share online, I'm very glad you're keeping your boundaries and doing what is best for you! Wishing you a wonderful time on your own in that beautiful place <3
Walks outside are so mindclearing, aren't they? And failing is the fastest way to learn, if you ask me :)
Geniet!
Thank you for deciding to share this reflection. I hope that writing it down, and sharing it with your community, and seeing how it resonates is actually helping you to dive deeper. And while we are passing each other slowly, in our own little cars as you put it, I am grateful for your words and the spark I felt reading them. These weeks on the moors, and all other weeks to come, are yours.
Writing down my thoughts is a therapy in itself. It's so useful :) Thanks for your kind comment.
The need for spending time alone is so relatable to me. I had a boreout, discovered I'm an introvert and recently also found out I'm gifted and that's the reason of my boreouts and tendency to seek alone time. Everything you write, I can relate to. Looking forward to read more of your work Marloes!
Thanks!
Dear Marloes, I always seem to be able to relate so much to whatever you write. I really like you and I think you're great (I hope that's ok to say - I'm worried it might sound a bit weird!). I hope that your time in Yorkshire is everything you need and want it to be.
Aw that is so kind Natasha! We are quite similar in many ways. Thinking about it, I think we've followed each other online for about 12 years now? Isn't that crazy? :D And you don't sound weird at all: you sound very sweet and your words are very welcome.
That is crazy! Where does the time go? I find myself thinking this a lot lately. And, thank you. :)
Me too! After practically living in one room 24/7 for 15 years with my co-creative spouse, we are now living 300 kilometers apart for 3/4 of the time - and it does wonders for my well-being, my sense of self, my creativity, and also for us as a couple, finding there are still new things to explore together. People should write more about these experiences. So thanks, Marloes!
That's what I love about Substack: it allows for deeper conversations. Keep the sharing going!
I resonant so much with not being able to tune fully into myself unless I am alone. I’ve loved solo holidays and when my partner is away and I have the house to myself I feel so relaxed. Thanks for sharing your thought here 😊