Alone for a month to restore myself
Travelling to the North of England to be by myself and tune into my needs.
Hello, I’m Marloes and I write about finding my way back to my (creative) self after burnout. Subscribe for free to enjoy occasional posts from me. Or, better yet, become a paid subscriber (€1.25 a week) to unlock all my content, including exclusive writing and inspiration. I’d love for you to join me!
This morning, I cried when I dropped my partner Bram off at the airport. I know I’m going to miss him. But driving my old little car back over those narrow English country lanes—which seem way too narrow for two vehicles to pass each other on the same road—makes me feel at ease. The sky is more blue than it was in the past week, and when the sunlight comes from behind the clouds, it hits the grass in a way that makes it appear to be neon green. This feels right.
For the next few weeks, I’ll be alone in a little cottage in a small market town in the north of England, with plenty of coffee shops, a bakery, and a greengrocer near me. A month of very little freelance work, as I worked my arse off the last two months to finish deadlines and do work in advance, to pay for this time off. An entire month listening to my own body and needs instead of adapting to someone around me. Even though I’m at ease with Bram and I feel I can (almost always) be truly myself, I have the tendency to tune into his needs as soon as he’s near. He always tells me I don’t need to do that, but it happens automatically. It’s my default mode. It’s also tiring, and it takes me away from my true self.
Losing myself with others
When I’m tuned in too long with someone, I start losing myself completely.
My first relationship lasted nearly eleven years. I was 17 when we got together and about 28 when we broke up. I had been so attuned to my ex that I went along with everything he enjoyed and did. There was little room for me in that relationship, not just because of my default adaptation mode but also because he had a need for control. Not the best combination, but maybe we made those sides grow bigger when we were together.
When we broke up and I moved across the country to make a fresh start and find myself, I honestly didn’t know what I liked to eat, what my favourite drink was, or what music I enjoyed. There was no one to tell me what to do or what to be like. There had always been someone in my life telling me what I should be like. Here I was, 28 years old, free to explore life for myself.
After two years of living by myself, I met Bram. After another two years, he wanted to move in together. I understood why; it made sense financially too, but I was scared. Scared of losing myself again, giving up my small apartment, which I decorated exactly how I wanted. Scared of giving up the foundations I had built for myself. But we moved in together anyway.
Bram is very different from my first boyfriend; he loves me for who I am and gives me space to myself. Still, I’m conforming. I’ve learned that if I’m like Barbapapa, shaping myself into whatever form someone needs from me, I will be accepted. Through recent therapy, I understand I do this to feel safe. Being accepted means being safe. To be accepted, I believe I need to be accommodating and not be a bother.
The funny thing is that I feel safe when I’m alone. I don’t worry about whether I’m good enough when I’m by myself. It only happens when someone is near.
Needing to be by myself to be myself
This is why, in 2018, I decided to spend a month alone on a hill in the Peak District. Bram and I had been together for a few years, and he supported me in doing it. Even more so, he encouraged it. He knew I needed to be by myself to be myself. It was the best experience, and I did it again in 2019. It was going to be a yearly thing, but then the pandemic hit.
Then I burned out, got sick, and knew I had to make changes. In 2022, I went to North Yorkshire for three months with Bram to get some rest. We went back in 2023 for a month, and we travelled again to the same place a week ago. A week together, and now a month to myself. We both thought it would be good for me to be alone for a while.
Some might find it odd that I’m away from my partner for a long period of time, but honestly, I don’t care. Although I care a lot about what my partner, friends, and family need, I really don’t care what others think of my life choices. For example, I really don’t care one tiny bit what strangers think of my choice to not become a mother. I never have.
I know what is right for me, and I know it’s being by myself for a while. It’s restorative to wake up when I’m rested, eat when I’m hungry, go on walks when I need some air, and go to bed when I’m tired. For most, this may be the most normal thing to do, but not for me. I can’t do that properly when I’m with my partner or with anyone else. I’m so attuned to paying attention to their needs that I drift away from my own body and soul. I can’t fully relax because I feel I need to be on standby in case they need something. I get distracted, and sometimes stressed, by stuff lying around the house that isn’t mine, and I don’t know where to put it.
Different approach
I often feel like I’ve been floating above myself to see what is needed instead of being in my own body. Unless I am by myself completely for a longer period. It’s one of the reasons I don’t have children: I would be utterly consumed by their needs and lose myself completely. To raise children, I would erase myself.
When I went on that first solo break in 2018, I thought I would return as a new woman. I thought I would be in touch with my own needs and that it would last, but that wasn’t the case. Very quickly, I returned to my old habits of adjusting. It takes more than a long break to reset the default settings of your brain and body. It takes constant checking with yourself (“What do I need right now?”) and a lot of practice.
What I didn’t do on my first and second solitary breaks, I will do now: journalling. While I’m here in North Yorkshire by myself, I will be writing each morning about how I feel, what I need, and how I can give myself what I need. I want to tune into myself more and understand what’s lying underneath. Knowing what you do is one thing, but you have to understand why you do what you do if you want to make changes.
Although being alone can feel uncomfortable at times, I’m not going to make those feelings go away by scrolling online. That’s an easy, but harmful, fix. It’s easy to fix my people-pleasing tendencies when posting Instagram stories. I posted a few stories an hour ago with photos of the beautiful landscape, and when someone responded with “I can’t wait to see more of your stories of North Yorkshire,” I felt something in my stomach. I know I will please others by sharing my adventures here, but I will have to actively remind myself that I shouldn’t do it because I want to please others. I need to learn to let my needs go first, especially this month.
I’ve limited my use of Instagram by using the app ClearSpace, and I’m checking my emails and messages once a day.
Back to my old little car. While I’m driving near the end of the narrow lane, another driver is oncoming. Slowly, we pass each other, putting our cars in second gear, careful not to bump. Neither of us needs to stand still when we gently and slowly pass each other. Each on our own way.
I’m learning I don’t have to stand still to give someone else space. It just takes a bit of careful driving from both of us.
A few years ago, I wrote an article in Dutch for Flow Magazine about solo travelling, including tips. You can read it here (scroll down).
Me too! After practically living in one room 24/7 for 15 years with my co-creative spouse, we are now living 300 kilometers apart for 3/4 of the time - and it does wonders for my well-being, my sense of self, my creativity, and also for us as a couple, finding there are still new things to explore together. People should write more about these experiences. So thanks, Marloes!
I resonant so much with not being able to tune fully into myself unless I am alone. I’ve loved solo holidays and when my partner is away and I have the house to myself I feel so relaxed. Thanks for sharing your thought here 😊